this was surely about a boy, but it was a year and a half ago and consequently i have no clue who audra was talking about or what it means*

"it may be overbaked, but it's not overbaked enough."

-audra

*i am, however, confident that it was good advice at the time.

sometimes audra quotes are even funnier when i write them down and then put the sticky note somewhere and then forget about it.

me: "there are some boobies. wanna see it?"

audra: "OMG boobies. i'm offended by boobies. i have two of my own."

[i have no idea what i was talking about.]

common problem, etc.

"i'm intimidated by your giant meatleg!"

-audra

i'm not entirely sure that will help.

"i'm gonna look up the venus nipple, cuz you're making fun of me!"

-audra

it's nice to know that some things never change.

the crisis continues:

"if i have any hesitations about that boy, they're mostly about hygiene."

-audra

common misunderstandings

"jesus...your pants...whatever."

-audra (oh, how i miss you!)

and thank god for that.

"yeah, but at least you can tell that it's a series of chickens."

-the inimitable audra

can we all just agree that unclogging one's shower drain without the use of nasty chemicals is a pretty satisfying accomplishment?

as you may remember from the other times i've written about cleaning my shower, between the large amounts of hair that i shed and the fact that the person with whom i share my shower goes through an astonishing amount of soap, our drain is frequently kind of slow.

i try to pretend it isn't happening, and then when i get tired of rinsing the soap suds off of my feet and ankles at the end of a shower/footbath, i remove the drain cover and dig around below the drain for large disgusting hair clumps. i hate doing this. it is gross, especially after i mentioned to audra that i thought it was strange to find so much lint in the shower drain and she told me that it was actually dead skin cells. yuck. (i am pretending that this isn't true, because it is gross.)

i know that there are several products for dealing with this sort of problem, but i don't want to use anything toxic unless it's absolutely necessary. and it's not! because i successfully unclogged a really slow drain!

i put some baking soda down the drain as far as i could (and since the big box of baking soda that we use for cleaning and keep under the sink had started to clump up from getting damp, there were big satisfying chunks to use! yes!) and then poured some vinegar down after it. after that, i poured a pot of boiling water down the drain...and it all drained right down. aw yeah. (also, the baking soda/vinegar combination is very fizzy, and the noise it makes is nice.)

big questions from audra:

"when you can look in a guy's eyes and all you want to do is be his baby mama—what does that mean?"

what can i say?

"i like shopping with you. it's the funnest experience i've ever had sober."

-audra

(ps i had a lot of fun too!)

p.s.a.

"okay.
jogging is a good replacement for narcotics.
good to know."
-audra

vintage audra saying funny things:

(we found this tonight with some papers from more than a year ago! it was like finding a time capsule of funny.)

on eating popcorn: "so, you just shouldn't do it. it's like eating a porcupine or something."

audra makes me laugh. again.

"i can't draw something as complex as a clown bike based on my definition of what a clown bike is."

"you need CLOWNS in the clown seats."

can we all just agree that going to the state fair will be awesome?

but that going to the state fair with b.f.h. and audra will be even awesomer?

oh man, i can hardly wait! there will be sheep and various assorted highlights (or lowlights, as the case may be) of sheep anatomy, and lambs, and cows, and we get to have dinner with mamacita...yes!

(i hope that there are no sheep/cassette tape disasters.)

can we all just agree that audra is awesome?

from last night, while explaining that i shouldn't feel bad about the time that we were making bracelets together and she dropped one end of hers just as she was tying it off:

"i think of bracelet making the way that buddhists think of sand art."

can we all just agree that "please visit your national parks" by oxford collapse is a fabulous song?

oh man, it's been in heavy rotation around here, and has already found its way onto more than one mix cd. like the dying californian, it's beautiful, big music. and as an added bonus, the video for it, which i embedded below, unless i didn't (i've never tried that before) has corn plants, many cassette tape-related disasters, and sheep. tons of sheep. which are grown-up lambs. (audracity, are you watching?)



so, let the video-blogging commence! and enjoy oxford collapse!

can we all just agree that i'm a poet, and i don't know it?

"the grass is always greener /
and i'm a total weiner"

thanks to audra for catching my poetic brilliance.

can we all just agree that it's wonderful to catch up with good friends...

but that it can be even more exciting when they say funny things that even rival audra?

like this:

"...it is pitch black, and i mean that in a scientific way. there is no electromagnetic radiation whatsoever."

thanks, joe!

can we all just agree that audra is awesome?

i thought so.

can we all just agree that a trifecta of funny things that audra said is an excellent way to begin may? [part 3]

"you can tell bill o'reilly whatever you want about me."