if you say so.

"when you see an octopus change texture on a rock, that's LIFE CHANGING, bro!"

i fail to see what the problem is.

girl on the bus, talking on the phone: "he doesn't go to school, he doesn't have any hobbies, he just rides his bike all day."

i really wish i knew what movie this was.

during the first week of school i was walking down the hall behind two boys and this is what they said to each other:

boy 1: "did you see the trailer?!? that shit's raw; that shit's hella raw."
boy 2: "it made me wanna cry...and like eat a pretzel."

evil/evil genius/genius?

tonight, in the thanksgiving-crowded grocery store (where just about everyone, my fluey self included, was kind of on edge.)

kid: "i have to go to the bathroom!"

mom: "you have to go to the bathroom?"

kid: "yes!"

mom: "do you want to look at the candy first?"

five minutes in the city.

there is a man, sleeping? passed out? dead? no, he's breathing. he's on the sidewalk, and when i tried to talk to him, i got no response at all. i thought i should let him sleep it off, and i didn't want him to get in trouble, and i didn't want to get involved, but i called a friend for advice and realized that calling 911 was the best thing to do. i would have felt terrible if he was in real trouble and i saw him but didn't get him any help. (i hate that i couldn't kneel down beside him and try to wake him gently, the way you do with someone you love, but i was afraid.)

i called and explained what i had seen, and then answered a list of questions they were required to ask me (no, he didn't say anything to me. he's unconscious. no, he is not standing. he's unconscious. no, he's not sitting up. he's unconscious.) and went downstairs again to wait for the firetruck.

although he didn't move a muscle when i was trying to talk to him, the firefighters are more aggressive than i had been. one of them starts to talk to him, and wakes up.

firefighter: "see, the problem is that you're sleeping here and the neighbors are concerned about you. if you can't get up and show me that you can walk, i'm going to have to call an ambulance to take you away. can you show me that you can get up?"
man: (pointing at "no parking" sign above where he's lying) "what does that sign say?"
firefighter: (without missing a beat) "no parking and no sleeping."
man: (slowly starting to get up) "heeeyyy...are you bisexual?"
firefighter: "i sure am. you getting up?"
man: "huh. i am too."

the man starts to walk away, a little unsteadily.

other firefighter: (kind of concerned) "hey, did you counsel him?"
firefighter: "oh, i counseled him."

can we all just agree that two year olds can be hilarious?

today i was talking to the nephews' mama on the telephone, and nephew #1 was hanging out being awesome. she was telling me about an abandoned dog, and all of the sudden, nephew #1 starts singing (to the tune of "the farmer in the dell," in that funny, super-high voice that the tiny ones have) "ABANDONING THE DOG! ABANDONING THE DOG! HI-HO-THE-MERRY-O, ABANDONING THE DOG!"

the nephews' mama was pretty surprised. but nephew #1 wasn't done. once silly mommy and silly auntie sarah had stopped laughing about the first song, he switched to "THE FARMER IN THE TEA! THE FARMER IN THE TEA! HI-HO-THE-MERRY-O, THE FARMER IN THE TEA!"

and then he started making himself laugh (almost hysterically) with his own funniness. man, i wish i didn't live so far away from those folks.

the nephews' mama is nothing if not reasonable.

nephew #1 has spilled some water on the floor (which is what happens sometimes when a person is using a big boy cup.) nephews' mama is getting him a towel so that he can clean it up, when she says,

"what are you doing, [nephew #1]? we're not going to add to the water on the floor by peeing."

i love those folks.

i guess that's how it goes sometimes.

overheard in the town:

(girl is giving boy a hard time about calling his ex-girlfriend; boy is trying to explain that he still kind of cares)

boy: "she didn't give me her heart. she gave me an ass cheek."

girl: "you liked it."

i think he has a pretty well-reasoned argument.

(overheard at the super longs)

kid: "you look like a witch!"

kid's friend's mom: "that's because i am! ah ha ha ha ha!"

kid: "wow, you are a witch! CAN YOU TURN ME INTO A DOG??? I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A DOG!!!"

kid's friend's mom: "huh? what? i'm not gonna...wait, why do you want to be a dog? you don't want to be a dog!"

kid: "yes i do! i've always wanted to be a dog, for years and years! because i like dogs! and we don't have any pets! it would be so fun! pleeeease?"

i understand.

[nephew #1 is having a tough time waking up from his nap and it's making him super whiny and tearful.]

nephews' mama: "i know you're tired."
nephew #1: [whimpering, starting to cry]
nephews' mama: "why don't you get elmo chair?"
nephew #1: [getting louder]
nephews' mama: "do you need some cheese?"
nephew #1: [stops crying] "yes."

is that what it's like?

"it's like, 'i'm ornate! i'munna smash your shit!'"
-brother bear

non-native spanish speakers say stupid things / hispanohablantes non-nativos dicen cosas tontas

1. dicho: "estamos verde por las llaves."
significado: "[las montañas] son verdes por la lluvia."

2. persona #1: [hablando de un muchacho de 18 años subidiendo en piedras altas] "¡no tiene miedo!"
persona #2 [yo]: "¡así son los hombres de ochenta años!"

/

1. said: "we are green because of the keys."
meant: "[the mountains] they are green because of the rain."

2. person #1: [talking about an 18-year-old boy climbing on high rocks] "he doesn't have fear!"
person #2 [me]: "that's how eighty-year-old men are!"

sometimes, parents are no fun.

(mom to two-year old): "no, we don't take our clothes off on the airplane."

he's just so dang cute.

the four year old is quite the finicky eater. tonight he was disturbed to find that there was a "LEAVE" on his broccoli. (the horror!) so i told him about photosynthesis, complete with interpretive dancey beautiful arm unfolding movements, and ended up convincing him to try the leave. which he pronounced "GOOD!"

we then had a talk about how vegetables are healthy for you, and dark green vegetables are extra healthy for you. then the conversation turned to the carrots he was eating, and he also pronounced them "GOOD!" (seriously, it's like chapter one of genesis sometimes, when i trick him into trying something he's decided he hates without tasting it.) i mentioned that carrots have lots of vitamins in them, and that they're especially good for one's eyes.
"BUT WHY ARE THEY GOOD FOR YOUR EYES?" he asked.
"the help your eyes grow healthy and strong," i answered (this is pretty much my stock answer for why any healthy food is healthy. i think it's true, and if he notices that i always say the same thing, he hasn't mentioned it yet.)
"OHHHHH. YESSSS," he answered, in his WATCH ME I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING ADORABLE voice, "THEY HELP MY EYES TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS WINKING THING."
and just as i was getting ready to watch him blink all twitchy-like, he opened his giant, blue, giraffe-eyelashed eyes wide, and winked. four. winked!

and as if that wasn't enough, the two and a half year old did a great job bringing the truly surreal to the table, announcing loudly and to no one in particular, "I AM A DOGGY! A MEAN, MEAN, SCARY DOGGY! AND I WILL EAT PEOPLE! BUT NOT BOYS! THEY ARE GIRLS! BUT I GET NICE WITH COOOOKIESSSS!"

attention everyone:

the players, the setting: brother bear, the dad, and i are hanging out at grandma's house. the super-catholic-yet-secretly-hindu grandma, who is awesome and occasionally says hilarious/baffling things.

as it so often is at this particular grandma's house, it is ice cream time. the dad, brother bear, and i have retreated to the kitchen to serve up gluttonously large bowls of ice cream (since all we've had so far has been thanksgiving leftovers and three pieces of pie each), when grandma starts talking to the dad.

grandma: "there's some cheese in there."

the dad: (rather perplexed, but not about to argue with her about what she can or can't eat [the dad's grandma-feeding philosophy is that once a person reaches a certain age {in her case, really really old,} they should be able to eat whatever they want, whenever they want it.]) "oh. you want me to melt some cheese on there?"

grandma: (sort of shocked that he would imply such a ridiculous thing.) "no, not me. the young people prefer cheese."

reasonable questions from the short set, volume 1

tonight the four year old and i ended up talking about about the tiny hat he was wearing (to the uninitiated, it might have looked like a metal one cup measuring cup, but it was a hat, okay?) and i asked him if it had shrunk in the dryer. this was a new idea for him, and he asked me a couple of questions about clothes shrinking before running off to inform his mother that clothes sometimes shrink in the dryer. he asked her why, and she gave him a very reasonable explanation involving the threads in the clothes getting really hot, etc. then there was a pause and he asked very earnestly,

"does it hurt?"

can we all just agree that the hipster olympics is, like, whatever...kind of lame, you know? at first i kind of liked it, you know, but then i was

reading this dave eggers novel...i have totally loved him since i read "here come the orphans," you know, the excerpt of a heartbreaking work of staggering genius that was published in the times in like 2000? you've heard of it, right? but now i think he's like kind of played out...i saw somebody reading eggers in STARBUCKS the other day. god, can you imagine? i know. disgusting. anyway, so whatever. anyone who thinks this video is funny is like a total idiot. i'm kind of over videos anyway. i have this great collection of laserdiscs, and i really think that digital video is totally overrated. anyway, whatever. what was i saying? do you have a cigarette?

can we all just agree that the nephews' mama is amazing?

today, while we were talking on the telephone, she said, "[nephew #1], can you go take the letter H out of brother's mouth?"

it's no wonder her kids are totally brilliant.

can we all just agree that train travel can be kind of treacherous, from an auditory standpoint?

so today i took the train to visit the mamacita, and just like last time, ended up sitting very near a dude who DID NOT HAVE A VERY GOOD INSIDE VOICE!!! AND WHO HAD A LOT TO SAY ABOUT...EVERYTHING!!! LIKE HIS BROTHER'S NO-GOOD EX-WIFE WHO DROPPED OFF THEIR TWO LITTLE GIRLS AT DAYCARE AND THEN SHACKED UP WITH SOMEONE SHE MET AT A BAR!!! BUT THEN HE MET A BEAUTIFUL BRAZILLIAN [woman] SO HE'S FINE BECAUSE SHE IS HOT!!!

so then i moved.

can we all just agree that there's really nothing quite like hearing your almost-23-month-old nephew saying your name over the telephone to melt your

little heart?

here is what happened:

nephews' mama: "[nephew #1], i'm talking to auntie sarah."
nephew #1: "sarah!?"

good heavens he's adorable and i can't wait to see him again soon soon soon.