oddly poetic spam

it has been a long time since i really paid much attention to my spam folder, but very recently i've taken over a class right before their final (a situation somewhat akin to adopting a 17 1/2 year old) and i wanted to be sure that i didn't miss any messages from students.

so i was scrolling through all the offers for various drugs related to my manhood, and i saw this subject like: "halifax census antiquarian"

it seemed pretty enough to share with you all, but you're on your own if you're searching for v|aagr.a.

sorry.

spam never sleeps.

i used to pay a lot more attention to my spam than i do now, because i found the titles (and sometimes even the emails themselves) so amusing. (i still like these two in particular.)

the gmail spam filter is pretty solid, though, so i haven't seen much of it lately. (although once and awhile i notice that i have 1000 message in my spam folder. awesome.) in the last month or so, though, some spammy spam has been sneaking into my inbox. a lot of it has been in hebrew, so whether or not it has amusing content i cannot tell you. there was one the other day entitled: "ASSISTANCE" and inside it said, "ASSISTANCE" and there was a word document about which i am very curious but which i am not planning to open because compy is grumpy enough already without being asked for ASSISTANCE by strangers.

why? why! why.

"ginger spam cassarole."

can we all just agree that "big dick fairy" is an amusing (and, i guess, descriptive) title for spam?

they're still going on about the size of my t000_l. sigh. will these ridiculous personal attacks never cease?

can we all just agree that these are excellent spam senders?

"menses j. madam," and "tinkled p. flophouse"?

can we all just agree that this is an amusing spam title?

it is from "beaver," and the title is "goddamned forklift."

that is all.

can we all just agree that this, too, is interesting spam?

it is called, "re: brillian" and it reads, "door is a drinking parlor by the name of Dust on Your Tonsils. I can"

indeed.

can we all just agree that this is yet another awesome spam title?

"your future, paper-footed."

can we all just agree that spam with amusing titles is better than spam without amusing titles?

recent notables:

"your cash, pale-souled"

and

"your future, muffin pan"

i almost wanna read that one, the muffin pan one. it's almost like that particular message is being sent by someone near and dear, who playfully calls me "muffin pan" and who is writing to suggest some fantastic job leads, or maybe even some sort of no-strings-attached sponsorship arrangement, in which they pay my bills so that i can blog and garden and bake all the time.

can we all just agree that some spam is worse than others* [volume 2]?

*first of all, yes, i realize that "c.w.a.j.a.t.s.s.i.w.t.o." is not gramatically correct. indeed, it should either be the less-wieldy "some kinds of spam are worse than others" or perhaps the awkward "some spam is worse than other." but it is neither. sorry, militant grammarians. i know i'm letting the team down here, but that's just how it's going to be.

i'd like to add to my past spam appreciations the story of a message i got the other day that i happened to open because i was clicking through a bunch of mail without returning to the inbox (even though someone very wise told me not to ever open spam because sometimes the spammers can tell if you opened their message and it only encourages them). the entire text of this message was:

"embarass"

that was it. no punctuation, no strings of seemingly random letters, no insinuations about the sizes of my body parts, nothing.

it was kind of beautifully simple. understated. classy, even.

can we all just agree that comment spam isn't fun anymore?

yes yes yes, i know that five days ago i was young and naïve and foolish, and i sort of kind of liked comment spam, but now i'm older and wiser. so quit it.

can we all just agree that sometimes, just sometimes, comment spam can improve a person's day*?

i know that it's kind of obnoxious in general, but now that i got my first comment spam, i feel like can we all just agree is growing up. it's kind of like a zit; gross and a bummer, but a sign of something bigger...something more exciting...possibly the beginning of a new phase of life?

*a day which is already looking up, dramatically

can we all just agree that there is at least one other bright side to spam, at least for gmail users?

(yes, yes, we've already begun to discuss this)

because, yes, spam is obnoxious. but in a gmail spam folder, in addition to the ever-compelling offers for looong.er t_ools and ciialiss, one can enjoy the text-based ad, which is always a link to a recipe using the actual "food" product spam. like the ginger spam salad (serves 1 [i wonder why?], refrigerate overnight), or spam fajitas (serves 8, add extra salsa if desired), or french fry spam casserole (bake 30-40 minutes), or savory spam crescents (bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown)...and one can reload over and over for new spammy delights.

can we further agree that talking or even thinking about spam very much has two distinct effects on most normal people:
a) one gets a bit of a tummyache
b) one begins to think of the monty python sketch about spam, the one that includes vikings marching around, singing, "spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam!"

update: the recipe i saw this morning was for spam breakfast burritos!
would you rather eat spam breakfast burritos, or ginger spam salad? discuss.

can we all just agree that some spam is worse than others?

because, although spam bothers me as much as the next kid, there is something sort of beautiful about this little bit of poetry:

"Everyone believes very easily whatever they fear or desire.
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators."

also, those fine folks want to make sure that i have as much v|aaa.grr_a as i need. touching, yes?