i am so happy to be back to ridiculous dreams.

because for the past few weeks, my dreams have been horrifying. the kind of dreams that take hours (or even days) to start to forget, and the kind of dreams that cause me to wake up terrified and already in tears.

but not last night! last night i dreamed that i still worked at that one job (okay, that part was pretty crummy) but, amazingly enough, the office building was way, way nicer, my cornucopia of nasty bosses seemed much less involved...oh, and also: morrissey was one of my co-workers.

yeah. that morrissey.

i have no idea what his job actually was, or really what he was doing there at all. he didn't really seem to talk to any of the people who worked there, and none of us really talked much to him. i think my co-workers were all either in awe of the fact that we worked with morrissey (i was!) or totally indifferent to him. (believe me, that office was chock full of indifference...to everything, pretty much, which apparently, at least when i'm asleep, extends even to morrissey. crazy.)

having ridiculously handsome co-workers is generally pretty great, i think (seriously dudes, look at him!) but apart from being ridiculously handsome, morrissey (who, for some reason, went by "moz" in my dream [his attempt at traveling incognito?]) clearly didn't take anything about our office seriously.

he came to work sometimes, but not on any kind of reliable schedule, and definitely not on time. and for some reason, he had his own office (in both real life and my dream, this job was located in a mess of a cube farm, and quite a few people had desks crammed into a shared space that was clearly originally intended for only one person.)

and he smirked at everything. he was always very kind to anyone who managed to summon the courage to say hello or to try to make small talk (which we rarely did,) but it was totally obvious that he was completely unafraid of our bosses.

and when he did actually come to work, it was common knowledge that he spent most of his time on the internet listening to music. he didn't make any attempt to hide this fact, and would occasionally leave himself logged in to various music sites on public computers in the building (to show how much he wasn't intimidated by the abusive management, who, for some reason, seemed to generally leave him alone? to encourage us to be brave too? to suggest new music to us? who knows?)

anyway, it was a pretty funny dream, and it almost made up for the yucky dreams that i also had last night. i had the morrissey-as-co-worker dream last, fortunately, so that's the one that's stuck in my head this morning. (sorry, housemate! i sure did tell you this story when you were just trying to brush your teeth this morning, didn't i? ah, the occupational hazards of living with sarah in the morning time.)

in conclusion, despite a poor work ethic where soul-crushing administrative work is concerned and a particular aura of celebrity unconducive to office-based camaraderie, morrissey is likely an awesome co-worker owing to his physical attractiveness, tendency to simply ignore terrible bosses, and kindness toward fellow employees.

and now you know.

dude, brain, i already said we were quitting!

i really don't see why you found it necessary to give me a nightmare that included all of the following (note: list is not exhaustive):

pamela anderson
pamela anderson dying
traveling to some unnamed south american jungle
my childhood home
windows that wouldn't lock
my current bathroom
skiing
ninjas (sidenote: wtf?!?)
my friend and her little brother
pancakes

as far as my dreams go, this one could have been a lot more interesting, but it sure did scare the bejezus out of me. i woke up terrified at 6:30 this morning (yeah, i know, lots of grownups wake up earlier than that on purpose. thanks for mentioning it) and i was scared to open my eyes, scared to turn on my lamp, scared to open my bedroom door, scared to walk to the bathroom, scared to open the bathroom door when i was done, scared to walk into my room, and scared to close my eyes again. you may have noticed that dreams sometimes really do affect me, but i think it's been about a year since i was frightened like this by a dream. (yeah, it was totally the bike shop/concert one.)

i think it was work. that, and the delicious cream puff i ate after dinner last night.

can we all just agree that quitting that job i hate is a good plan?

because then i won't have to go there anymore. also, i will probably stop dreaming about it every night, which i've been doing pretty consistently (even on the weekends!) for many weeks now. and then i can focus on more interesting, important dream topics. like being at a concert and a bike shop at the same time, being bedeviled by a spiteful wall in my bedroom, vacuuming, solving international horse-related crimes, mocking scientologists, david bowie's package, and rescuing tiny wee baby giraffes. you know, all the usual stuff.

and this is what happens when you antagonize me too much.

to the left is my countdown calendar. i made it for the job that i hate. i made it over the weekend of january 25-27, which was kind of a bummer time in general. mamacita was visiting, which was great, but things with the heart weren't so good, and we had planned to go away for the weekend and that was a spectacular failure, and i was feeling pretty crummy in general, and one of the reasons for that was the job i hate. so i decided that, although i was afraid of being a quitter and afraid of admitting i didn't want to do something so much that i felt like i couldn't, i had to pick a concrete date to quit.

i thought about it carefully, and then decided that i would stay until the end of may. in my mind, my countdown calendar would fit on one 4x6 index card (i love index cards, by the way. love them.) so i got my favorite sharpie and started to write down dates. and then it took two index cards. and then i cried because the end of may seemed so far away and the prospect of staying that long seemed so terrible.

later on, i realized that i could not possibly stay until the end of may. so i decided on the end of april, got out the scissors, sliced off may, and started to feel better. but then things kept getting worse and worse at work, so i lost almost all of april. and then, in a meeting between me and all three of my bosses, where everyone was upset with me for things i could not possibly prevent or control, one of my bosses angrily demanded to know if i had a phone call "in writing." yes. a phone call. in writing. she wanted to know if i had a phone call in writing. it's funny now, but at the time i just felt so defeated. the next work day was way worse, and mamacita and i had a long conversation, and then i cut off all of april, circled march 3, and gave my two weeks' notice. march 14 is the day, after which i will be poorer and happier.

dear job,

and thank you, penny arcade, for giving words and a face to what i feel in my heart.

well, at least he keeps things interesting.

i was in my ridiculous boss's office the other day, and i happened to look over at his desk and see that he has a box of tissues. it is bright purple. and guess what it says on the side? levitra. seriously. i'm not even joking. i couldn't make that up.

for your reference: a list of things not to say to someone whose grandma* has just died.

1. "YOUR GRANDMA DIED?"
2. "WAS IT EXPECTED?"
3. "HOW OLD WAS SHE?"
4. "WHERE DID SHE LIVE?"
5. "WERE YOU CLOSE?"
6. "IS THERE GOING TO BE A FUNERAL?"
7. "WHY DID SHE DIE?"
8. (and my anti-favorite) "WAS SHE IN A LOT OF PAIN?"

*this list may also be applicable in the case of a recently-deceased grandfather, mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, beloved pet, etc.

update: excellent friends, please don't feel like this is directed at you. if we know each other, #1-#7 are acceptable questions (if we're friends, i don't think you'd ask #8.) brother bear and i get into this in the comments to this post, but this is really about people who i don't know very well and to whom i'm not particularly close getting super nosy and all up in my business when they hear about my grandma. i love you folks.

seriously? seriously.

today new boss reached truly impressive depths of scorn and derision and condescension. it was amazing, and i had a witness (who had to turn away because she was so baffled by what was happening.)

mamacita, who has excellent cowboy expressions for most situations, would say that new boss is "greasing the chute." i think i'll be departing before i reach the conclusion of my countdown calendar. it goes all the way until june, but i don't think i do.

times when i do not want to talk to anyone at work:

1. when i am balancing a piece of cake and holding a mug of hot tea while trying to unlock a door to my other office so that i can hide there for my ten minute break. (especially if you are YELLING at me to tell me about an email you are about to send me that contains information that isn't really very important, and especially times two if this information has already been conveyed to me by someone in person, someone else in a telephone message, and yet another person via email.)

2. while i am ALREADY IN THE BATHROOM STALL AND SITTING ON THE TOILET. (especially if what you are asking me could not be less important. and especially times two if you yell, "SARAH???" and i reply, after a moment of stunned silence, "can i talk to you in a minute?" and then you ASK ANYWAY.)

i hope i find a winning lottery ticket or something soon, because this is getting ridiculous. i need to find someone who will pay me to bake cookies in my pajamas and complain about things on the internet all day long. cranky.

seventeen times.

that is how many times my phone buzzes when someone calls when it is set on "meeting" (because i'm in a meeting, at work.)

i tried to look extra-attentive, but it was kind of awkward.

i have a crush on my bicycle.

during most of my lunch breaks, i sit alone in an office where i stash my bike while i'm at work. and i have realized that i have a pretty serious crush on my bicycle. i just like looking at it. i don't ever get tired of that, because i love seeing the familiar parts, and there is always something else to discover.

and even when i'm not gazing at the bike, it just feels nice to be in the same place with it. even when we're not touching, or when i'm doing something else entirely, it is wonderful.

and i think it is fond of me too. it was really understanding when we crashed (although the sidewalk was far less forgiving), we work very well together, we are very physically compatible, we're definitely comfortable with each other, and our relationship just keeps improving. it was never bad, we are just getting to know each other even better as time goes on, and it feels great.

can we all just agree that getting paid to ride your bicycle is pretty totally excefabulous?

dudes, i like it so much that i had to make a new word for it. and use two too many modifiers. today i ran an errand for work, on the clock, and instead of driving the janky work van for a total of 1.74 miles, i rode. (to the shock and amazement and a little bit of concern of my co-workers, who are still surprised when i turn up with my bicycle.)

but i rode! my bike! and got paid! and it was hooray!