Sunday, August 31, 2008

i think i'm kind of over energy bars too.

awhile ago a friend mentioned to me that he'd decided he was "kind of over energy bars," and that, in those times where energy bars seemed necessary, he was just going to eat a candy bar instead because they were far more delicious and a lot cheaper.

while i don't think either of us are actually prepared to give up entirely on energy bars under all circumstances, i think i am moving squarely into the candy-bar-instead camp. my conversion took place when i glanced down at the wrapper for an energy bar i had just finished and saw that the ingredients list began as follows: "protein blend, high fructose corn syrup, high maltose corn syrup, roasted soybeans, sugar..."

since ingredients are listed in order of relative quantity, this means that the energy bar i'd just consumed had more sugar (and fake sugar, at that!) than anything else. gross.

also, the ingredients list wasn't finished messing with me, because the energy bar also gelatin. and that is gross. it was in the "2% or less" part of the ingredients list, which is more than enough to irritate me (who would guess that fish guts are in a "yogurt honey peanut"-flavored energy bar?) and not nearly enough to make me think that fish gelatin plays a crucial role in anything about the composition of the bar.

in conclusion: candy bars are cheaper, tastier, and vegetarianer. candy bars, i'm in.

Monday, August 25, 2008

q: what does vladimir putin have in common with morrissey and pamela anderson?

a: they're all famous people who i have dreamed about in the last five months or so.

last week i dreamed that i was back at my elementary school (bb: on playground b, near the band portable) and i was walking up behind my friend eliza, who i haven't seen in years. i was really happy that she was there, and i decided to sneak to where she was sitting on a log and give her a kiss on the head. after i snuck up and kissed her, i turned around to see vladimir putin sitting in a golf cart with a henchman of some sort. both were looking very sour. apparently the girl-kissing-girl had disgusted them. although i was kind of surprised to see putin there, i was still really excited about catching up with an old friend.

i told him, "i love her!"

and he responded, "you love her? well then i hate her."

i really did want to stick around and argue with him, but i had to go right away because somehow we had been transported to my high school, and i had to go back to my elementary school and meet my high school debate coach in another portable classroom to play ping-pong. it was an emergency.

and that is what happened.

seven hundred.

it's nice to know that some things never change.

the crisis continues:

"if i have any hesitations about that boy, they're mostly about hygiene."


Friday, August 22, 2008

you can cross corn chips off your list of potential good shower snacks.

yesterday i went on a nice long bike ride that included some climbing. especially since i was a little sore from a ballet class and another ride the day before that, it was hard work! but a really nice ride.

when i got home i was really hungry, but i also felt totally disgusting. i wanted, equally and passionately, a shower and dinner. immediately. after eating a few handfuls of chocolate chips, i settled on a brilliant compromise. inspired by liz hatch's brilliant bath-and-a-beer, i decided that i would have a snack in the shower.

and, just for the record, corn chips aren't a very good choice. they are delicious and satisfying, but since i didn't have anywhere to put them except the ledge that was just a few feet above the bottom of the tub, water dripped down my arm and into the bowl.

but i do think there's something to this snack and shower combination. i've been thinking of snacks that would withstand water better, and i have some ideas for the next time i need to eat and wash at the same time.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

five minutes in the city.

there is a man, sleeping? passed out? dead? no, he's breathing. he's on the sidewalk, and when i tried to talk to him, i got no response at all. i thought i should let him sleep it off, and i didn't want him to get in trouble, and i didn't want to get involved, but i called a friend for advice and realized that calling 911 was the best thing to do. i would have felt terrible if he was in real trouble and i saw him but didn't get him any help. (i hate that i couldn't kneel down beside him and try to wake him gently, the way you do with someone you love, but i was afraid.)

i called and explained what i had seen, and then answered a list of questions they were required to ask me (no, he didn't say anything to me. he's unconscious. no, he is not standing. he's unconscious. no, he's not sitting up. he's unconscious.) and went downstairs again to wait for the firetruck.

although he didn't move a muscle when i was trying to talk to him, the firefighters are more aggressive than i had been. one of them starts to talk to him, and wakes up.

firefighter: "see, the problem is that you're sleeping here and the neighbors are concerned about you. if you can't get up and show me that you can walk, i'm going to have to call an ambulance to take you away. can you show me that you can get up?"
man: (pointing at "no parking" sign above where he's lying) "what does that sign say?"
firefighter: (without missing a beat) "no parking and no sleeping."
man: (slowly starting to get up) "heeeyyy...are you bisexual?"
firefighter: "i sure am. you getting up?"
man: "huh. i am too."

the man starts to walk away, a little unsteadily.

other firefighter: (kind of concerned) "hey, did you counsel him?"
firefighter: "oh, i counseled him."

can we all just agree that "ariodante" is a totally ridiculous opera? (spoiler alert!)

a little while ago i got a free ticket to a preview performance of "ariodante." it was really fun to get to see the show, the costumes were cool, and most of the singing was pretty good too...but the plot was unlike any classical opera i've ever seen.

the body count: one. only one. (WHEN DOES THIS EVER HAPPEN IN AN OPERA?)

the bad guy: he ended up being the one who died. he was slain by the older brother of the protagonist, and get this: he confessed his entire nefarious plot as he was dying offstage, and he apologized for it.

the lovers #1 (the pair who couldn't stop singing about how happy they were and how great things were and how the heavens smiled upon their union): things worked out fine, even though it looked for awhile like it was going to be a romeo and juliet situation, because she thought he had died and was going to kill herself and then it turns out he wasn't dead but he takes a billion years to shut up and go tell her.

the lovers #2 (the pair where the man was hopelessly devoted to the woman even though she was head over heels for the bad guy who was, of course, just using her): also come out just fine! she realizes that she loves him after all, or something!

also, several key male roles were played by women, and it confused the heck out of me because it was hard to remember who was who anyway. and that is what happened.

Monday, August 18, 2008

can we all just agree that b.f.h. is, well, the best?

one of the many reasons she is wonderful (in addition to engineering solutions to just about everything i've ever broken and being very firm with hardware) is that she manages to combine scrupulous honesty with politeness in a totally charming way. observe:

i discover, through empirical observation, that not everyone loves the velvet teen as i do. b.f.h. is apparently one of these people. so i stop the tape and start a playlist on the computer instead. that coco rosie song that i like so much [although, just for the record, i still haven't quite come around to the video yet] is the first thing we hear.

b.f.h.: "this song is much better."
me: "really? i didn't think you'd like it but it was a mix, so i thought it would be okay."
b.f.h.: "i didn't say i liked it. i said it was much better."

can we all just agree that the velvet teen is absolutely fantastic?

i have liked them for a long time, but recently i've been listening to a tape that has mates of state (surely you remember them) and the velvet teen on it and it is amazing.

if my tape recorder had fast forward or rewind, i would definitely fast forward or rewind to the velvet teen part. but since it doesn't, i've figured out right about where i need to play the tape until on the opposite side in order to arrive at the velvet teen part.

my favorite favorite favorite velvet teen song is milo 7. i have scoured the intertubes to try to find you a movie of it, but i have been unsuccessful. (there are some nice clips of milo and otis out there, though, so it's not a total loss.)

so. i would recommend to a friend milo 7, and also the album upon which it appears, "great beast february & comasynthesis," which is also known as "plus, minus, equals," and also the velvet teen in general. i hope you like them.

it's a deal!

b.f.h. [to a screw, tonight as she was engineering a solution to a recent closet failure]: "don't make me yell at you with my mouth again!"

common misunderstandings

"jesus...your pants...whatever."

-audra (oh, how i miss you!)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

i wonder if that's stickier than regular glucose?

from the ingredients of the "all natural soda premium ginseng ginger ale plus antioxidants: certified with antioxidant vitamins c & e plus vitamin a from beta-carotene no artificial colors or flavors no preservatives no caffeine" that i found in the refrigerator tonight and decided to try:

"filtered carbonated water, gluecose-fructose syrup, brewed chinese ginseng, natural ginger flavor, citric acid, ascorbic acid, vitamin e and beta carotene."

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

can we all just agree that japanese television is incredible?

i only wish i could understand what they were saying. brother bear, want to offer highlights to our english-speaking audience?

cat weightlifting

can we all just agree that children's interpretations of the bible can be hilarious?

i know we've already established that three year olds know a lot about science, specifically natural history, but tonight the five year old turned to me while he was brushing his teeth and earnestly explained,

"one time when people were blind, jesus put dirt into their pants, and he peed in it."

he wasn't joking around at all. he was totally serious. i guess that's what two days of vacation bible school will get you these days.

my blog report on "Bike Snob NYC" by sarah.

my blog report on "Bike Snob NYC"
by sarah.

Bike Snob NYC is like a big collection of inside jokes about cycling. at first, one may be confused by some of the more obscure references, but with continued reading, you'll figure them out. besides, who can't get behind some good, old-fashioned hipster-hating?

also, Bike Snob NYC can function as a great learning tool for newer cyclists. making fun of people (or reading about someone making fun of people) is clearly more engaging than flashcards, for example, but darn it if i haven't solidified my bike anatomy knowledge since i started reading Bike Snob NYC. also, the Indignities of Commuting by Bicycle posts are particularly fantastic.

(read more blog reports)

Monday, August 04, 2008

i am so happy to be back to ridiculous dreams.

because for the past few weeks, my dreams have been horrifying. the kind of dreams that take hours (or even days) to start to forget, and the kind of dreams that cause me to wake up terrified and already in tears.

but not last night! last night i dreamed that i still worked at that one job (okay, that part was pretty crummy) but, amazingly enough, the office building was way, way nicer, my cornucopia of nasty bosses seemed much less involved...oh, and also: morrissey was one of my co-workers.

yeah. that morrissey.

i have no idea what his job actually was, or really what he was doing there at all. he didn't really seem to talk to any of the people who worked there, and none of us really talked much to him. i think my co-workers were all either in awe of the fact that we worked with morrissey (i was!) or totally indifferent to him. (believe me, that office was chock full of everything, pretty much, which apparently, at least when i'm asleep, extends even to morrissey. crazy.)

having ridiculously handsome co-workers is generally pretty great, i think (seriously dudes, look at him!) but apart from being ridiculously handsome, morrissey (who, for some reason, went by "moz" in my dream [his attempt at traveling incognito?]) clearly didn't take anything about our office seriously.

he came to work sometimes, but not on any kind of reliable schedule, and definitely not on time. and for some reason, he had his own office (in both real life and my dream, this job was located in a mess of a cube farm, and quite a few people had desks crammed into a shared space that was clearly originally intended for only one person.)

and he smirked at everything. he was always very kind to anyone who managed to summon the courage to say hello or to try to make small talk (which we rarely did,) but it was totally obvious that he was completely unafraid of our bosses.

and when he did actually come to work, it was common knowledge that he spent most of his time on the internet listening to music. he didn't make any attempt to hide this fact, and would occasionally leave himself logged in to various music sites on public computers in the building (to show how much he wasn't intimidated by the abusive management, who, for some reason, seemed to generally leave him alone? to encourage us to be brave too? to suggest new music to us? who knows?)

anyway, it was a pretty funny dream, and it almost made up for the yucky dreams that i also had last night. i had the morrissey-as-co-worker dream last, fortunately, so that's the one that's stuck in my head this morning. (sorry, housemate! i sure did tell you this story when you were just trying to brush your teeth this morning, didn't i? ah, the occupational hazards of living with sarah in the morning time.)

in conclusion, despite a poor work ethic where soul-crushing administrative work is concerned and a particular aura of celebrity unconducive to office-based camaraderie, morrissey is likely an awesome co-worker owing to his physical attractiveness, tendency to simply ignore terrible bosses, and kindness toward fellow employees.

and now you know.

mates of state has all the good pickup lines:

"i thought you were alright / but i wouldn't die / without you by my side"
-mates of state, "the law"

i tried to find you a movie of this song, but i couldn't. maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

i like this song very much. i hope you like it too.

tonight was the first time that i saw the video for it, and i'm not sure how much i like it. i recommend listening to the song without watching the video, at least at first, because it's bizarre enough already.

coco rosie, "rainbowarriors"

Friday, August 01, 2008

my blog report on "Donkey Punch." by sarah.

my blog report on "Donkey Punch"
by sarah.

i started reading "Donkey Punch" because of the comments that t4toby, its author, regularly leaves at "Sadly, No!" they are witty and insightful without being mean, and i was happy to see that "Donkey Punch" is the same way. t4toby writes a lot about american politics, with a particular eye to the future and what we can do to try to make it in this scary world. he's not very optimistic about our prospects for survival, but his concerns are totally reasonable, and i think that talking about it is much better than ignoring it. and the comments tend to be worth the read too.

"Donkey Punch" will make you laugh, teach you some things, and maybe, just maybe, help you find ways to approach the future. go see.

(read more blog reports)

dan savage may be moving in on jesse danger's scientific fact dispensing, but jesse danger can give relationship advice too!

"if you dont fall in love within the first week - sarah - it's not worth it
move on"

take that, scientific fact stealer!

grandkids in the movies

grandkids in the movies

my blog report on "I Punched a Flower in the Face"

my blog report on "I Punched a Flower in the Face"
by sarah.

"I Punched a Flower in the Face" is written by jesse danger, who i believe (at the risk of sounding like a high school yearbook) to be one of the funniest friends i have ever had. ever. in my entire life. he also gives good advice and, although he is generally polite to strangers (being minnesotan and all, doncha know,) he will definitely give off an imma-cut-you vibe to people if they push you around at a rock and roll show. trust me on this one.

"I Punched a Flower in the Face" tends to have short posts, and jesse danger seems to specialize in observations about life in the city. also scientific facts. definitely check out the scientific facts. they're scienterrific!

(read more blog reports)

because good advice without context becomes funny advice:

b.f.l.: "i've been thinking a lot about need to be much more firm, and then make exceptions later in the week."