this was surely about a boy, but it was a year and a half ago and consequently i have no clue who audra was talking about or what it means*

"it may be overbaked, but it's not overbaked enough."

-audra

*i am, however, confident that it was good advice at the time.

dimensions of compatibility

awhile ago i was commenting to captain awesome that i eat way better meals when i'm not eating alone. (which is true...i'm totally content to have a glass of milk and several chunks of cheese and half a bag of potato chips and some chocolate for dinner, but i'd never serve that to someone, ever.)

me: "if you weren't here, i'd probably have a chikpatty and tater tots for dinner."
captain awesome: "awww, sarah! you should have two chikpatties and tater tots! one is not enough!"

possibly the most ridiculous text message not intended for me i've received to date:

"Who's hot... You!
Who's fine... You!
Who's cute.. You!
Who's sexy.. You!
Who's a liar..ME!!
Hahaha jk."

i would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of several important points:

1. ellipses consist of three dots, and should have a space neither before nor after.
2. capital letters are not necessary after ellipses.
3. question marks (?) are required when one is asking a question.
   
4. exclamation points, which must be used sparingly, should appear singly (!) or in groups of three (!!!).
5. words written in all capital letters tend to evoke shouting. shouting is rather uncouth.
   
6. "jk," while not quite as bad as "lol*," is still a totally stupid thing to write.

thus, corrected, this misdirected text message would actually read:

"Who's hot? You!
Who's fine? You!
Who's cute? You!
Who's sexy? You!
Who's a liar? Me!!!
Hahaha. I'm sorry for accidentally sending this text message to you when I clearly intended to send it to someone else. I'm extra sorry for accidentally sending this text message to you when you were kind of hoping for a text message from someone you'd recently begun to find rather shiny but who actually didn't end up sending you anything today at all.. JK LOL!!"

*"lol" is the bane of my internet existence.

jesse danger is wise.

"people can be really stupid when they use many unrelated words to convey something they don't want to say."

it's nice to know that some things never change.

the crisis continues:

"if i have any hesitations about that boy, they're mostly about hygiene."

-audra

dan savage may be moving in on jesse danger's scientific fact dispensing, but jesse danger can give relationship advice too!

"if you dont fall in love within the first week - sarah - it's not worth it
move on"

take that, scientific fact stealer!

my blog report on "Sleep is the new sex." by sarah.

my blog report on "Sleep is the new sex."
by sarah.

"Sleep is the new sex." is an excellent place to go for bicycles, movies about bicycles, good jokes, politics, boys, pictures, and...yes...the occasional little bit of cranky. i think it might be c.w.a.j.a.?.'s cousin or something. meh-wee-uhn, the author of "Sleep is the new sex." sometimes sends me fantastic movies. and she is wonderful.

(read more blog reports)

jesse danger knows about all the interesting careers

me: "but really, can anyone sincerely be expected to keep up with [name of friend who has many gentlemanfriends] and his gentlemanfriends?
i think not"
jesse danger: "it would take a crack team of at least a dozen skankamticians"

vindication!

last night b.f.h. and i went to see "hairspray." during intermission, we both decided that we needed to visit the room of rest. we were kind of bummed about it, since restroom visits at any sort of public event generally involve long lines for the women's facilities.

but not this time! we went to the downstairs restrooms to try to avoid some of the crowd, but there was a huge line as soon as we turned the corner...a huge line of dudes! there was no line for the women's restroom! we were astonished! it was amazing.

great minds think impractically; alike:

(b.f.h. and i are talking about boys. again.)

me: "i wish we were attracted to each other. it would solve so many problems."

b.f.h.: "i know! i was just thinking about that today!"

yeah, i'm pretty sure that was him too.

me: blah blah blah boy

jesse: "like the old saying - all janky things must come to an end
i think lincoln said that"

believe it or not, this is actually not the first post involving tinfoil headgear.

me: blah blah blah blah stupid stuff about a mean boy

b.f.h.: "argh! sarah, if i make you a tinfoil hat, will you wear it next time?!?"


update: here's the other one.

and this is why i shouldn't eat honey dijon kettle chips and a cookie right before going to bed.

i had this dream in which i was visiting with a dear friend, and we were somewhere in the jungle where she was living. one of her other friends was there, and she and i were looking around at our friend's furniture and belongings. in the middle of the jungle, in a little clearing, she had a huge inflatable couch, and also an enormous bunk bed that was covered in inflatable flowers. it was very strange.

and then we were at some sort of campground, and then the boy who i dated in high school and i were riding mountain bikes up a big hill, and his younger cousins found a bright orange car. it was made of paper mache, i think, because when they touched the bumper, it started to spin and spin and eventually flipped upside down into a depression in the road.

and then we had to run from the police. we ran and ran (and at that point, i woke up a little bit, realized i didn't really have to run from the police [although i had been really scared up until then], went back to sleep, considered walking for a bit, but then decided that i don't get enough exercise anyway because of the soul-crushing office job, and went back to running, which had really become more of a full-body upright swim through foam resembling vanilla pudding.)

we reached a campsite, which had apparently been ours, and hid in tents, but then decided almost immediately that we had to leave, and that we had to pack and bring everything with us. (we were still running from the police at this time.) we were furiously throwing things into bags, and trying to disassemble the tent and get everything into cars as fast as we could, and there were a lot of people with us.

then i ended up going over to this huge wagon and talking to the people there. it seems that two women who had been friends for a long time had always dreamed of owning a costume business. it hadn't really seemed like it was going to work out, but then one day one woman decided that they were going to do it after all, and they would start off with a bang by duplicating the costumes of the fire dancers in labyrinth. (you know, the awesome movie from 1986 starring jennifer connelly and david bowie's pants?) okay, okay, here are the fire dancers doing "chilly down," their song from the movie:



anyway, only one of the women had stayed with the costume company, but she had this huge wooden wagon full of costumes and clothing and jewelry and hats and accessories of all kinds, including the fire dancer costumes that had started it all off. because we were all trying to get away from whatever was chasing us all (i don't think it was really the police anymore), she had decided to give away a bunch of her stuff, starting with the fire dancer costumes. i really wanted one, for some reason, but i felt bad taking it since it was such a complicated costume. (they really did look like they did in the movie.) then there was a bunch of awkwardness because i couldn't find it, and she kept telling me to look for it, but they were all gone, and we were both very confused.

then i started to pack other things there, because i thought she wanted me to, but then i wasn't sure, and she had a little boy there who seemed kind of confused and frightened, and i was worried about him but i wasn't sure what i could really do.

and then i was looking at old zip disks (thanks, brother bear!) and found a very, very old journal that i had written in college all about a mean boyfriend, and i was so sad to see how much i had cared about him and how much i had overlooked in trying to be happy with him.

and then i woke up.

ps: check out this awesome video! it's a clip from the making of the labyrinth about the fire dancers scene. remember, dudes, they were doing all this during the 80's, back when movies had to really happen and they couldn't be created in a lab. amazing.

here are some more ways to not get the ladies.

(don't forget these other ones either.)

these are brand new ways! i've collected them, from several subjects, in the last 48 hours! fresh!

1. live hundreds of miles away from the object of your pursuit.
2. be crazy. (okay, this one isn't really brand new.)
3. be old enough to be her dad (and not in the "yeah-i-guess-an-eleven-year-old-could-technically-father-a-child" way. in the "dude,-people-totally-are-married-and-intentionally-procreating-at-that-age" way.)
4. lead off with a quote from javier bardem's totally insane character in "no country for old men" (imdb describes him as "an emotionless, compassionless, killing machine." ew.)
5. cheerfully mention the incurable, contagious diseases you have.
6. get real nosy about her sexual history...on the first date. which is a blind date. as in, you've never met each other before. keep asking questions and then guessing at the answers after she's clearly, directly, and politely indicated that she's done talking about it and has already changed the subject.

update!: 7. wear a ron paul sticker.
8. be involved, in any way, in the flying of a giant ron paul banner over my neighborhood today.

this is probably not the best answer*.

"what to say to a guy tha i have a crush on"

"i have a crush on my bicycle"

*even if you are me, and it is true.

oh.

ouch.

how not to get the ladies. a tutorial in two acts.

act #1:

girl on bike rides past you. you are getting out of your enormous truck near a bookstore. say "HI." in a deeply meaningful, borderline creepy way. she gives you a non-commital smile and starts to walk toward a parking meter near where you're parked to lock her bike. block her path to ask, "shopping or going to work?" "shopping," she says, and starts to walk around you to lock. ask her, "do you want to go to dinner, see a movie?" "no thanks," she replies, not looking at you. ignore this clear expression of disinterest, and ask several more times. ignore also the fact that she has stopped answering you at this point (almost like she doesn't want to go to dinner with you or something!) then, as she's walking around you, giving you the widest berth possible, yell, "WHEN I SAID 'YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER,' I MEANT IT. I WASN'T TRYING TO GET YOU ALONE OR ANYTHING! GEEZ!"


act #2:
girl on bike is riding along a busy street. she's going pretty fast, because she's meeting someone for dinner and they don't have much time. also, she's hungry. hang out the window of your friend's truck, and say something unintelligeable to her. with any luck, she will have just started to be concerned that her back blinky may have fallen off, and she'll think that you are attempting to convey some sort of useful, socially appropriate piece of information. she'll say, "huh?" which gives you the perfect opportunity to repeat yourself, louder and clearer this time, "BABY, I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR BICYCLE!" be sure to make creepy eyes at her. although you don't know it, she will flip someone off for the very first time in her life. it is you! you were her first! then your friend, who is either impatient or marginally more perceptive than you, will speed off. which is kind of silly, because traffic is stop and go, and girl on bike is all go, all the time. when she inevitably passes you, shout, "HEY BABY! HEY BABY!" be perplexed when she doesn't respond. explain, "hey, i wasn't tryin' to be rude or nothin.'"

can we all just agree that sometimes, one telephone call changes everything?

ridiculous. interesting. fun?

can we all just agree that my blogday is an exciting day indeed?

today is my blogday! yes, 365 days ago, i had some things to say about making mix cds. (today, i find myself with similar concerns, if you were curious.) so, um, thanks for reading, and extra thanks for commenting, and extra extra thanks for sending me email, and i hope you like it. it's cool if you don't; i am still enjoying myself and i think that's the point, but if you do, all the better. stay warm! and happy blogday to me!

can we all just agree that moving on sucks?

my heart hurts.