Monday, November 12, 2007

how not to get the ladies. a tutorial in two acts.

act #1:

girl on bike rides past you. you are getting out of your enormous truck near a bookstore. say "HI." in a deeply meaningful, borderline creepy way. she gives you a non-commital smile and starts to walk toward a parking meter near where you're parked to lock her bike. block her path to ask, "shopping or going to work?" "shopping," she says, and starts to walk around you to lock. ask her, "do you want to go to dinner, see a movie?" "no thanks," she replies, not looking at you. ignore this clear expression of disinterest, and ask several more times. ignore also the fact that she has stopped answering you at this point (almost like she doesn't want to go to dinner with you or something!) then, as she's walking around you, giving you the widest berth possible, yell, "WHEN I SAID 'YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER,' I MEANT IT. I WASN'T TRYING TO GET YOU ALONE OR ANYTHING! GEEZ!"

act #2:
girl on bike is riding along a busy street. she's going pretty fast, because she's meeting someone for dinner and they don't have much time. also, she's hungry. hang out the window of your friend's truck, and say something unintelligeable to her. with any luck, she will have just started to be concerned that her back blinky may have fallen off, and she'll think that you are attempting to convey some sort of useful, socially appropriate piece of information. she'll say, "huh?" which gives you the perfect opportunity to repeat yourself, louder and clearer this time, "BABY, I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR BICYCLE!" be sure to make creepy eyes at her. although you don't know it, she will flip someone off for the very first time in her life. it is you! you were her first! then your friend, who is either impatient or marginally more perceptive than you, will speed off. which is kind of silly, because traffic is stop and go, and girl on bike is all go, all the time. when she inevitably passes you, shout, "HEY BABY! HEY BABY!" be perplexed when she doesn't respond. explain, "hey, i wasn't tryin' to be rude or nothin.'"


Joe said...

wait for it

atheist said...

Some men should not even try to get their mack on. Except under video supervision from experts who are equipped with instantaneous bio-feedback devices. These devices dispense shocks when the subject acts completely wack, but cause subtle endorphin rushes when the subject acts smooth.

sarah said...

thanks for the video, joe. sometimes that last brain cell really does get to make big decisions.

and atheist, that would certainly be one way of dealing with the problem. but i think that crankily writing about it on the internet is fairly satisfying too, and requires fewer invasive medical procedures.

brother bear said...

as one of my friends in high school would have said, "what a dicksmack!"

t4toby said...

Wait...You're saying that this behavior is...bad?

Well, I'll take your word for it, but its definitely 'back to the drawing board' for me!

sarah said...

bb, i've read your comment a few times, and every time it makes me laugh out loud. was that yeremy?

t4toby, i'm so sorry to have been the one to let you down like this. maybe it's just me, and all the other girls love being harassed. that's probably it. don't be so discouraged! keep yelling out the car window! it is awesome!