kurt vonnegut improves my life, again

tonight i was taking the train home after a way too long day, feeling kind of crummy. (my train also broke, so it took a really long time to get home.)

but my life was improved. and on pages one and two, too. he really doesn't mess around; he just gets right to it:

"The year is 2001 now.
If all had gone the way a lot of people thought it would, Jesus Christ would have been among us again, and the American flag would have been planted on Venus and Mars.
No such luck!
At least the World will end, an event anticipated with great joy by many. It will end very soon, but not in the year 2000, which has come and gone. From that I conclude that God Almighty is not heavily into Numerology."

(this is from hocus pocus.)

can we all just agree that it's pretty nice to have the most pressing problems in your life solved for you by an internet advice columnist cat?

thanks, monchi!

good news! i bet you could ask monchi if you have problems that need to be solved too!

news that made me choke on a delicious microwaveable bean and cheese burrito.

if a person googles "how can i get the ladies," how not to get the ladies. a tutorial in two acts. is result number six! ridiculous.

can we all just agree that getting letters is nice, but that getting letters from darling two year old nephews is even better?

especially when they're addressed by the two year old nephew himself? (his dad addressed the other side, just in case the post office hasn't yet made fluency in two year oldese a requirement for employment yet.) oh man i love that kid.

attention everyone:

the players, the setting: brother bear, the dad, and i are hanging out at grandma's house. the super-catholic-yet-secretly-hindu grandma, who is awesome and occasionally says hilarious/baffling things.

as it so often is at this particular grandma's house, it is ice cream time. the dad, brother bear, and i have retreated to the kitchen to serve up gluttonously large bowls of ice cream (since all we've had so far has been thanksgiving leftovers and three pieces of pie each), when grandma starts talking to the dad.

grandma: "there's some cheese in there."

the dad: (rather perplexed, but not about to argue with her about what she can or can't eat [the dad's grandma-feeding philosophy is that once a person reaches a certain age {in her case, really really old,} they should be able to eat whatever they want, whenever they want it.]) "oh. you want me to melt some cheese on there?"

grandma: (sort of shocked that he would imply such a ridiculous thing.) "no, not me. the young people prefer cheese."

that would be such a good band name.

"MINOTAUR SPORTSCAR"

thanks, dude.

can we all just agree that a return to polo is a good plan?

even though my left brake is kind of grabby and cranky because my rim's wearing out? yes. even then.

can we all just agree that cornbread stuffing is totally delicious?

i have learned its secret. its secret is sage.

i think there will be a lot more cornbread stuffing in my life from now on.

(thanks for the recipe, mamacita!)

reasonable questions from the short set, volume 2

the two year old:

"okay toddlerbed, do you want to see PRETTYNESS???"

reasonable questions from the short set, volume 1

tonight the four year old and i ended up talking about about the tiny hat he was wearing (to the uninitiated, it might have looked like a metal one cup measuring cup, but it was a hat, okay?) and i asked him if it had shrunk in the dryer. this was a new idea for him, and he asked me a couple of questions about clothes shrinking before running off to inform his mother that clothes sometimes shrink in the dryer. he asked her why, and she gave him a very reasonable explanation involving the threads in the clothes getting really hot, etc. then there was a pause and he asked very earnestly,

"does it hurt?"

why? why! why.

"ginger spam cassarole."

!!!happy new frame day to me!!!

although i still have a very special relationship with my bike (and although i like frankenbike, the other one, too), i am very excited! to report that i got a new frame! and i'm going to build up a bike!

i have a crush on my bicycle.

during most of my lunch breaks, i sit alone in an office where i stash my bike while i'm at work. and i have realized that i have a pretty serious crush on my bicycle. i just like looking at it. i don't ever get tired of that, because i love seeing the familiar parts, and there is always something else to discover.

and even when i'm not gazing at the bike, it just feels nice to be in the same place with it. even when we're not touching, or when i'm doing something else entirely, it is wonderful.

and i think it is fond of me too. it was really understanding when we crashed (although the sidewalk was far less forgiving), we work very well together, we are very physically compatible, we're definitely comfortable with each other, and our relationship just keeps improving. it was never bad, we are just getting to know each other even better as time goes on, and it feels great.

don't we all, kid? don't we all.

while reading sleeping beauty with an incredibly precocious 3 year old (who i would have guessed was 4 1/2):

i.p.3.y.o.: "i like the party part."

me: "me too."

i.p.3.y.o.: "i like the true love part the best."

audra makes me laugh. again.

"i can't draw something as complex as a clown bike based on my definition of what a clown bike is."

"you need CLOWNS in the clown seats."

how not to get the ladies. a tutorial in two acts.

act #1:

girl on bike rides past you. you are getting out of your enormous truck near a bookstore. say "HI." in a deeply meaningful, borderline creepy way. she gives you a non-commital smile and starts to walk toward a parking meter near where you're parked to lock her bike. block her path to ask, "shopping or going to work?" "shopping," she says, and starts to walk around you to lock. ask her, "do you want to go to dinner, see a movie?" "no thanks," she replies, not looking at you. ignore this clear expression of disinterest, and ask several more times. ignore also the fact that she has stopped answering you at this point (almost like she doesn't want to go to dinner with you or something!) then, as she's walking around you, giving you the widest berth possible, yell, "WHEN I SAID 'YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER,' I MEANT IT. I WASN'T TRYING TO GET YOU ALONE OR ANYTHING! GEEZ!"


act #2:
girl on bike is riding along a busy street. she's going pretty fast, because she's meeting someone for dinner and they don't have much time. also, she's hungry. hang out the window of your friend's truck, and say something unintelligeable to her. with any luck, she will have just started to be concerned that her back blinky may have fallen off, and she'll think that you are attempting to convey some sort of useful, socially appropriate piece of information. she'll say, "huh?" which gives you the perfect opportunity to repeat yourself, louder and clearer this time, "BABY, I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR BICYCLE!" be sure to make creepy eyes at her. although you don't know it, she will flip someone off for the very first time in her life. it is you! you were her first! then your friend, who is either impatient or marginally more perceptive than you, will speed off. which is kind of silly, because traffic is stop and go, and girl on bike is all go, all the time. when she inevitably passes you, shout, "HEY BABY! HEY BABY!" be perplexed when she doesn't respond. explain, "hey, i wasn't tryin' to be rude or nothin.'"

can we all just agree that the promise ring is excellent?

once i read that the promise ring was having a reunion tour, and i was really excited. but then it turned out that the reunion tour was one show in a state that i live very far away from. it was a bummer.

what is most certainly not a bummer, however, is the following video. it is for a song called "why did we ever meet?" (which is something that i have wondered about a few people myself.) this video is pretty rad. it has everything: cute boys, bmx bikes, furries, short shorts rollerbladers, cute boys.

also, the song is good. for a long time, i misheard the chorus as "you, you're always good / you're always dressed to fall in love," which i think is even better than the actual words.

hooray for the promise ring!

i spoke too soon.

blogger is lame again. sigh.

can we all just agree that casual friday is great?

i feel like a total weiner, being excited about casual friday. but i am. excited, that is. whether or not i'm a total weiner is perhaps open to debate.

but dude, it is so nice to have one day a week when i can always count on being able to wear something comfortable to the office. no constant tugging, special undergarments, or being kind of too cold all day, not on casual friday.

and comfy (and warm enough, and easy to bike in) shoes! yeah!

i wish every day could be like casual friday. clearly the world doesn't end when people wear jeans and sneakers to my office, so why not the other four days? (or just mwf, that would be fine with me too, because i have a different job on tuesdays and thursdays. tuesdays and thursdays could be suit of armor days or whatever, i don't really care.)

can we all just agree that goat cheese and honey on toast is amazing?

seriously dudes, sourdough toast, goat cheese, honey. a. mazing.

can we all just agree that this is pretty much one of the best days ever in the blog-o-sphere?

because:

blogger has finally made it so that i can be signed in to my c.w.a.j.a.?. account and posting in one tab, and using my other gmail addresses in another! hooray! hooray hooray!

and, more importantly, the nephews' mom has started her very own blog, So This is Motherhood...! now you can go read about the exciting exploits of the dudes from someone who has the opportunity to witness them firsthand! all the time! and you can leave her nice comments to welcome her to the interweb. (and to give her another valuable opportunity to interact with people who are potty trained.) ps it is very funny. you won't regret it.

¿podemos estar todos de acuerdo que los blogs de huesped son chidos? / can we all just agree that guest blogs are cool?

gracias, otra vez, a daniel.
thank you, again, to daniel.

¿podemos estar todos de acuerdo

de que lo siguiente es inaceptable?

-Secretaría de Relaciones Exteriores, habiendo estado formado en la fila 1 hora.
YO: aquí le tengo todos los documentos señorita, con fotocopia, incluyendo mi acta de nacimiento.
SRITA ATENDIENDO: ah, este acta bla bla bla requicito bla bla estatuto bla bla. Hay que traer éste otro papel.

-(2 horas después, habiendo manejado hasta mi casa y de vuelta, esperado en la fila otra hora)
YO: ahora sí, ¡aquí le tengo los documentos señorita!
SRITA: emmm, esteee, íjole. pues, vea que éste documento de aquí no le sirve porque bla ba trámite bla bla, tiene que traerme éste otro.
YO: ...

-(1 hora después, habiendo manejado hasta mi casa y de vuelta de nuevo)
YO: ¡ahora sí señorita, le traigo el documento!
SRTA: está bien, tome asiento por favor.

(1 hora después)
SRITA: aquí tiene su número jóven, en una hora le tenemos listo el trámite. pero vea que gracias a que bla bla exepción bla bla bla decreto bla bla, siempre no era necesario que trajera los otros documentos, ¡JAJAJAJA!
YO: !!!

(1 hora después)
SRITA: aquí tiene señor, le agradecemos su paciencia.
YO: (después de 5 horas realizando un trámite) -_-


can we all just agree

that the following is unacceptable?

-(Department of Foreign Relations, having stood in line for 1 hour)
ME: here you go miss. all the documents, with copies, including my birth certificate
LADY AT THE DESK: oh, this certificate blah blah blah requirement blah blah statute blah blah. You'll have to bring this other document.

-(2 hours later, after driving home and back, and waiting in line another hour)
ME: ok, now i've got them, here are all the papers, miss!
LADY: ummm, weeeell, jeez. Look, this paper here actually won't help you because blah blah procedure blah blah, you'll have to bring this other one.
ME: ...

-(1 hour later, after driving home and back again)
ME: ok, here's that other document, miss!
LADY: very good, please take a seat.

(1 hour later)
LADY: here's your number sir, we'll have your papers ready in an hour. but guess what, thanks to blah blah exception blah blah blah declaration blah blah, you actually didn't have to have brought that other document. HAHAHAHA!
ME: !!!

(1 hour later)
LADY: here you go sir, thank you for your patience.
ME: (after spending 5 hours processing my papers) -_-

can we all just agree that getting paid to ride your bicycle is pretty totally excefabulous?

dudes, i like it so much that i had to make a new word for it. and use two too many modifiers. today i ran an errand for work, on the clock, and instead of driving the janky work van for a total of 1.74 miles, i rode. (to the shock and amazement and a little bit of concern of my co-workers, who are still surprised when i turn up with my bicycle.)

but i rode! my bike! and got paid! and it was hooray!